It’s ok to be angry!!!

Last Monday, April 26th, I got the best phone call. Sharon (the director of our domestic adoption agency) called to tell us that a birth mom had chosen us. We were so excited. We were going to have a baby boy in July. We told everybody. They were all so happy for us. The girls at my job were planning a shower for us and everything. We were just in shock that it was finally happening.

Well, just as it had all soaked in that we were going to be parents after all this waiting, we got another phone call. Sharon called yesterday after I got home from work. It was bad news. The girl backed out. It is a long story and I don’t feel like explaining it because what difference does it make really. The point is we are not getting our “Charlie Bane” in July.

I just don’t get it. Why does everything have to be so hard. It just isn’t fair. Why does God keep letting bad things happen to us? Have we not been through enough? I mean really, how much more can we take? I am sick of bad news!

So, now we have to tell everybody that we are back on the waiting list. You can’t even begin to understand how much I hate doing that. I get to hear all of the popular gestures, “well, it just wasn’ t the right baby”, “it’s ok, it will happen”, and one of my favorites, “I know how you feel”. NO YOU DON”T!!!! You have no idea how I feel. Only I know how I feel! Well, me & God , which brings me to the next one. The one that makes me want to SCREAM!! “it’s all in God’s timing”. I get so mad when people say that to me. Maybe I should explain. Back in August 2006, when we decided that adoption was the way we were going to build our family, We knew that this was God’s plan for us. There was no doubt (and still isn’t). We both knew that we had to be patient and have faith that God would see us through it. I also know that God is the one in control and only He knows how & when this is going to happen. BUT, when people say that to me it makes me see RED, because to be quiet honest with you, I am pretty ticked off at God right now. The last thing I want to hear is that He is controlling the timing in this. I kind of feel like maybe he has forgotten about us and I am angry!

I don’t know how many people actually read my blog. But if you are reading this, please don’t think I am a hateful ungrateful person. I’m not. I really do appreciate all of my friends and family. I also know that when they say those “popular gestures” that they have nothing but good intentions. I just needed to get all that out and I figured this would be a good place to do that. I have a lot of different emotions right now and I don’t really know what to do with them.

I want to end this on a good note though so…… Today at the daycare where I work I made tomato soup & grilled cheese. The 4 year olds came into the kitchen to get their plates. One of the little girls says, “Mrs. Rachael” and I answered “yes” and she said, “You make the best tomato soup ever, in the world.” I said, “thank you”. She turned to walk out, then she stopped and turned back around and said to me, “I just wanted you to know that so you could have a little sunshine in your day.”

So you see, even though I am angry at God, it is OK. He understands and He always finds a way to remind me that he has not forgotten me.