Worth the Wait

Things are very different than they were the last time I posted on Feb. 12, 2011.

On October 4th, 2011, our daughter was born. I will never forget the first time I saw her. We got to hold her just minutes after she was born. It is so hard to put into words what I felt in that moment. I loved her so much already. I had so many different emotions going on. I was so happy yet so scared. She was not ours yet.

The next 3 days were the longest and toughest of my life. I went to see her every day. I was becoming  attached and falling more in love with her every second. I knew though that there was a chance that we would not be the ones talking her home.

Then the day came, Friday, October 7th, 2011. It was the day that Paisley was being released from the hospital. It was also the day that Paisley's birthmom was to sign the papers relinquishing her parental rights. My parents were already here. We all got up early that morning. I don't remember any of us talking.. My Momma was vacuuming (over the same spot several times), my Daddy was getting ready and drinking coffee, Robbie was sitting on the sofa and I was pacing the floor checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I had somehow missed a call. Then finally the phone rang. I answered and heard the most amazing 4 words of my life, "Come get your daughter"!!! In that moment, this was also the day that Robbie and I became Momma and Daddy.

Robbie and I flew out the door, car seat in hand. I don't remember a thing about the car ride there. We  arrived at the hospital and walked into the room. Paisley's birthmom and her mom were sitting on the bed. She handed Paisley to me and said, "Here is your daughter". We all hugged and I tearfully thanked her for the most precious gift I have ever received.

We had several adoption papers to sign and then Robbie and I took Paisley to the nursery to sign her release papers. We then went back to the room to put her new dress on and get her things together. After we were finished a lady came in with a wheelchair for Paisley and me (yes I got to ride in the wheelchair even though I did not give birth). She rolled us down where Robbie had pulled the car around for us. We said goodbye to our social worker and then...... WE WERE ON OUR WAY HOME WITH OUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!

Paisley Lynn Nicolaisen is now 21 months old. She is beautiful, sweet, and sooo funny. I love her with every bit of my heart. God gave us the perfect daughter. She was worth the wait!!!!

"Baby from God"

Every time I sit down to write a new blog, I can’t help but dream about the day I will blog about being a Mommy. But until then I will just keep writing about my feelings in the waiting stage.

People always say to me that when we do finally get our children that all of the waiting and hard times will just melt away and disappear. Well, the truth is, I don’t ever want that to happen. I know that may sound crazy, but I will explain. Every year, week, day & second that goes by, every background check done, every home study done, every hurdle jumped, every pain , every excitement and let down, every heartache and every single tear shed is leading us to our children . And for that reason, I NEVER want to forget. I never want to take for granted the journey we are taking to get to our forever family. I want our children to know that we did it all for them. Because we loved them way before we even met them and that there was NOTHING that would stop us from bringing them home.

This whole adoption process is the hardest thing I have ever been through. But you know how when you do something and you know without a doubt that is what you were supposed to do? That is how I feel about us adopting. I know, without question that this is our purpose. I may not know the reason for the bumpy road, but I know adoption is God’s plan for our family.

Sometimes people ask me how I work at a daycare full of children. They say that it must be so hard because we want children so badly. Oh, but it is just the opposite. Some days those children can say just what I need to hear on a hard day. For those of you that don’t know, we recently had a young girl looking at our file and we really thought that she was going to pick us. Everybody was praying for us, even some of the children at the daycare. We knew the day that the girl was making her decision and so did everybody at the daycare. I went to work expecting a phone call later that morning. I fixed snack and took it over to the lunchroom where the 2 year old classes were waiting. When I walked in, one of the little girls (I can’t say names per work policy) so excitedly said “Rachael, Rachael, you are going to get a baby from God. You are you are. You are going to get a baby from God!” Not knowing the news yet I was excited that she said this out of the blue. Well about an hour later I received the phone call telling me that we were not chosen. I left worked early and went home. The next day everyone already knew. When I was leaving work that day I ran into the mother of the little girl. She told me that her daughter and son had been praying for me. There is no way to ever explain how much that means to me. There is just something extra special about little children praying for you. I really believe that God used that little girl in the lunch room that morning before I got my phone call. I think it was His way of letting me know that even though this was not our time, we are going to get a baby from God.

Orphan Sunday

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Today is Orphan Sunday. There are 145 million orphans world-wide that are awaiting their Forever Family. Please just take a moment and pray for them and all of the families like us that are so desperately waiting for them to come home.

I remember the day my niece Bayley was born like it was yesterday. I was spending the night at my parents house because my sister Leigh Ann was to be induced the next day. We had all of our things ready, cameras, baby quilt, magazines, etc. We finally settled down and went to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, the phone rang. It was Leigh Ann. She was in labor!!!! Up we were and on our way. Thank goodness it was the middle of the night because there was fewer people to see the 3 crazy people running through the hospital to labor and delivery. There was so much excitement in that waiting room. Every time a baby was born they would play a lullaby on the overhead speakers in the waiting room. So, naturally every time it played we would get so excited.

Finally, at 6:58 am on January 16, 1997, the lullaby played announcing the birth of my beautiful niece, Lauren Bayley Sharp. Moments later Keith, my brother-in-law came through the doors that we all had been staring at for so long. He told us all about her and then soon after we all got to go back and meet her. I was the first to hold her. It was a moment I will never forget. She was perfect!! As she was passed around the room, I remember watching my sister and how happy she was and how happy everybody else was and I thought to myself, I can't wait for the day I get to experience this same thing.

Well, God had a different plan for me than my sister. My plan is adoption. And what a plan it is. It is a journey filled with excitement, anticipation, waiting, heartache, patience, longing, disappointment and happiness. It is a journey not for the weak of heart. It will literally test you emotionally, physically and spiritually. I have good days and I have really bad days. I have questioned God more times in this journey than others do in a lifetime.

I don't mean to make adoption sound like a bad thing. It is the best decision I have ever made. I know without a doubt this is my purpose in life. I also know that God has prepared me for this journey. He has made me into one pretty tough cookie.

I have experienced so many things throughout our journey so far that I would have missed out on had we not made this decision. There is a group of ladies from my adoption agency that I have had the privilege of becoming friends with because of adoption. We have never met in person but they are ladies that I can count on to be there if I just want to talk about the frustrations of waiting. They are a source of needed encouragement on the really bad days. So, Sheri, Ellyn, Karen, Aimee, I thank you. I am honored to be on this journey with you.

For those of you that are reading this, if you have questions about adoption or if you feel a little tug on your heart, look into it. It is an amazing journey. For the rest of you, please just pray for those of us that are waiting.

My Life as an Adopting Mother

Here is a glimpse into my life as an adopting mother.

Today at my workplace we had a representative from Aflac come talk to us about supplemental insurance. He told me all about the short term disability plan that they offer. He said that it will pay up to 70% of your income for 6 weeks while you are on maternity leave. That sounded perfect. I was all ready to sign up and I said, “does it matter that I am adopting?” He made a call to the corporate headquarters to find out. The answer was NO. They will only pay for maternity leave if I give birth to the child. How is this fair? It isn’t. If the federal government can recognizes adoption the same as a biological birth in the Family Medical Leave Act, then why can’t Aflac?

The truth is, if anybody needs benefits, it’s adopting families.

My husband and I do not have any children. We have tried for 10 years. We started our journey to adoption in August 2006. Since that time we have been fingerprinted at the C.I.S., our background check ran numerous times, countless number of visits in our home with social workers, doctor visits, endless piles of paperwork, online courses and let’s not forget the enormous cost that is involved in an adoption. Needless to say there are many hoops you have to jump through for an adoption. Don’t get me wrong, it is all worth it. It is just a little disheartening when you go through so much to have a child and then be told that you do not have the same rights that a biological mother has.

I’m sorry, but I have a hard time swallowing the fact that a 15 year old girl can irresponsibly go out one night, get pregnant and have more rights as a mother than I do. As a matter of fact, she can get Medicaid, WIC, etc. and not even have to pay for a thing. The real kicker tough, guess who is paying for it? Me, as a taxpayer. There are so many programs and benefits available for pregnant girls, but where are the benefits for those of us that are unable to conceive?

A family is a family. It can be made biologically or of different races and different cultures. It doesn’t matter how it was created. It is still a family and ALL families deserve the same rights.

It’s ok to be angry!!!

Last Monday, April 26th, I got the best phone call. Sharon (the director of our domestic adoption agency) called to tell us that a birth mom had chosen us. We were so excited. We were going to have a baby boy in July. We told everybody. They were all so happy for us. The girls at my job were planning a shower for us and everything. We were just in shock that it was finally happening.

Well, just as it had all soaked in that we were going to be parents after all this waiting, we got another phone call. Sharon called yesterday after I got home from work. It was bad news. The girl backed out. It is a long story and I don’t feel like explaining it because what difference does it make really. The point is we are not getting our “Charlie Bane” in July.

I just don’t get it. Why does everything have to be so hard. It just isn’t fair. Why does God keep letting bad things happen to us? Have we not been through enough? I mean really, how much more can we take? I am sick of bad news!

So, now we have to tell everybody that we are back on the waiting list. You can’t even begin to understand how much I hate doing that. I get to hear all of the popular gestures, “well, it just wasn’ t the right baby”, “it’s ok, it will happen”, and one of my favorites, “I know how you feel”. NO YOU DON”T!!!! You have no idea how I feel. Only I know how I feel! Well, me & God , which brings me to the next one. The one that makes me want to SCREAM!! “it’s all in God’s timing”. I get so mad when people say that to me. Maybe I should explain. Back in August 2006, when we decided that adoption was the way we were going to build our family, We knew that this was God’s plan for us. There was no doubt (and still isn’t). We both knew that we had to be patient and have faith that God would see us through it. I also know that God is the one in control and only He knows how & when this is going to happen. BUT, when people say that to me it makes me see RED, because to be quiet honest with you, I am pretty ticked off at God right now. The last thing I want to hear is that He is controlling the timing in this. I kind of feel like maybe he has forgotten about us and I am angry!

I don’t know how many people actually read my blog. But if you are reading this, please don’t think I am a hateful ungrateful person. I’m not. I really do appreciate all of my friends and family. I also know that when they say those “popular gestures” that they have nothing but good intentions. I just needed to get all that out and I figured this would be a good place to do that. I have a lot of different emotions right now and I don’t really know what to do with them.

I want to end this on a good note though so…… Today at the daycare where I work I made tomato soup & grilled cheese. The 4 year olds came into the kitchen to get their plates. One of the little girls says, “Mrs. Rachael” and I answered “yes” and she said, “You make the best tomato soup ever, in the world.” I said, “thank you”. She turned to walk out, then she stopped and turned back around and said to me, “I just wanted you to know that so you could have a little sunshine in your day.”

So you see, even though I am angry at God, it is OK. He understands and He always finds a way to remind me that he has not forgotten me.

Beginning A New Journey.

We have some very exciting news. Robbie and I have started a new adoption process. We are still waiting on Emma from China though. That will not change. There is a daughter in China for us and we are going to get her, we just don't know when.

Robbie and I have always known that we wanted more than one child. Since the wait time has increased so much with China and we are looking at another two more years, we have decided to start our next adoption. So, as of December 31, 2009 we are on the waiting list.

This time we are going with a domestic adoption and have decided to adopt a bi-racial baby. This is something that we discussed before starting our China adoption. We knew we wanted to have a multi-cultural family but decided to go to China first. I guess God had another time line though because more than likely, this adoption will happen first. There is no way to know what the time frame will be because we have to wait on a birthmom to pick us. The good news is there are only three active families waiting for a bi-racial baby at our agency including us. So hopefully we will not have to wait for a very long time.

We did not specify a boy or girl but have names picked out for both already. If it is a girl, her name will be Sophie Mae. If it is a boy, his name will be Charlie Bane. (by the way, Bane means long awaited child)

We are very excited to start this new journey and can't wait to meet the children that God has picked for us.

Just a reminder....

November is National Adoption Awareness Month.

Our New Website

I just wanted to let everybody know that we have a new website now. It is http://www.emmaspiceexchange.com/ We are going to be selling spices and sauces. The website is up but we have not finished everything and we still have to set up pay-pal. So check it out.

No news on the adoption. We of course are still waiting. The wait time now is 43 months from log in date. We have been waiting almost 31 months. But remember the wait time is increasing every month so we are not really getting any closer yet. We are just praying for a speed up.

Don't forget November is National Adoption Awareness Month.

OUR WEDDING DAY - August 12, 2000

This is just a short video of our Wedding Day.

He's Always Listening

I have something personal that I just wanted to share with everybody. As you all know, Robbie and I are in the very long process of adopting our daughter from China. We made this decision in August of 2006. This was the best decision we have ever made. At the time we made this decision, the wait time for a child was 12-14 months from the time your paperwork was "logged" into China Center for Adoption Affairs (and it takes 6 months to get to that point). So when we started, we were looking to have our daughter home around May of 2008. Well as all of you know the wait time has doubled and that did not happen. We have been "logged in" for 24 months now and no Emma Rae. Now, there is no definite way to know when we will meet our daughter, but they are saying that it could be another 2 years. Needless to say, this is so very frustrating. A lot of people ask me why we are still waiting and why don't we just drop out. Well, that thought could never cross my mind. That would be like a woman being pregnant and having the baby and then going to the nursery and saying um no I don't want that one, I think I'll take another one. Emma is our daughter and she is in China whether she is born or not or even conceived yet, she is OUR daughter and God knows who she is.

Which brings me to the point of this post. Going through this LONG and ever-increasing process has really put me through some tests. It has tested my patience. It has tested belief in myself. And most of all, it has tested my trust in God. I have had many heated conversations with God over the last several months. But through it all, He has been there, and will remain to be there. He proved that to me yesterday! I was on my way to work. I got in my car and I turned the radio off and I said "OK WE HAVE GOT TO TALK".......and that is what I did. I told God that I was frustrated, tired, upset, aggravated, and just plain MAD at him. How could he do this to me? How could he give me such a strong desire to be a Mom and then make it so blooming hard!! Then I told him, I am going to need something, anything, some kind of sign that you are still here with me, that you haven't forgot me. I pulled up at work and I said "Well, that's it, AMEN".

I went in to work and went about my day like normal. After work I went and met Robbie at Costco we looked around, got a few things and then we left to go home. We were in separate cars, so I got in my car and I pulled off. After I was on the road I realized I never turned my radio back on, so I did. And well, there it was like a ton of bricks...MY SIGN. It was a song that I have never heard before called Yours (new verse) by who else but Stevan Curtis Chapman. The song says that everything is God's...Everything!!! That includes ME. I belong to God!!! I matter, my feelings matter, my pain matters, because I belong to God. He knows what he is doing. He is not going to put me through anything by myself. He has a plan for me and he is standing right beside me every step of the way. Yesterday, I just needed a little reminder and he gave it to me.

You know like I said earlier, I have had a few heated conversations with God over the last several months but I talked to my Mom the other day about that and she reminded me that, that's OK. God understands. He knows how we feel. He knows that things get tough and it is OK to get mad. God is a mighty God and He can handle it.

Before I go, I just want to say Thank You to all of the people that are going through this journey with us, our family, our friends, and even the people that have never even met us. I know that there are a lot of people praying for us and that means more than you will ever know.

I also posted a video at the very bottom of my blog page for the song that I mentioned in this post, just listen to it. It's a good reminder for all of us.

Out of Review

We are finally out of the review room!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was posted on the America World blog and on Rumor Queen. Now we are in the matching room. We still have a long time to wait but this is really good news. The wait time at this point is 37 months from LID (log in date) and we have been 22 months 1 week and 4 days. So if the time did not increase any more we would have 15 more months. But the time is increasing a half to a whole month every month. I know this is all confusing but we just have to deal with it. It is going to be so worth it when we get to China and they hand us our daughter. Oh what a day that will be!!!!!

'For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. Isaiah 43:5

Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody!!!!!!!!!!!! You know, when we started our journey to Emma I never imagined that we would celebrate Christmas 3 times and still no Emma yet. I know that it is gong to happen in God's time but that still doesn't make it any easier sometimes, especially on holidays when family is all together.

Well on to other things. Our spice fund raiser is going really good. Don't forget by the way, if you want to order some just e-mail or call me. It is just $5 a bottle. We still have to sell a lot more before we get Emma.

I hope everybody had a great Christmas. We did. My family came here to Myrtle Beach. We have had a really good time. My sister and her family left on Tuesday and my parents are leaving tomorrow. Emma got several things for Christmas. When I get the pictures downloaded I will post them.

I hope everybody has a good rest of the year and a happy New Year. I'll post again soon.

This Morning in China

This morning in China a mother cries

She'll never forget her daughter's eyes

Her heart is broken and filled with pain

The tears run down like the falling rain

She has no choice but to leave her there

The cost of keeping her is to much to bear
She hopes her daughter will one day know
True love can be found in letting her go.

This morning in China a baby cries

Hungry and scared as tears fill her eyes

Her mother has left her in this public place

Another lost daughter of the Chinese race

Someone passing by her has heard her soft moan

She's soon quickly be taken to a foster home

It's there she'll reside in the care of another

Untill she's adopted by a brand new mother.

That very same moment, in the U.S.A.

A woman cries as she starts to pray

Her heart is heavy but filled with much love

She prays for a daughter she thinks the world of

"Dear Jesus I ask that your arms would be

Wrapped tightly around the one picked for me

Guard her in China 'till I make my way

And then in my arms forever she'll stay.

author unknown

Update

Hi everybody! I know it has been a while since my last post.

We are still waiting for Emma. It has been 16 months and 10 days from our log it date (that is the day that our paperwork was logged into the China Center of Adoption Affairs in China). So if the wait time does not increase we are looking at another 14 months. But nobody knows what will happen. There are rumors that the process will speed up after the Olympics, but there are also rumors that the wait time will continue to increase. Of course we are hoping for thing to speed up, but it will happen when it is supposed to.

Currently we are in the process of updating our paperwork. Our Social worker had to come to the house for an update visit. We have to go to the doctor again for another physical. We have to have our fingerprints redone, and several other things. I hope this will be the last time we have to do this. But if the wait keeps increasing we might have to do it one more time.

We have been working on Emma’s room lately. We changed our minds about the grass and the bamboo mural on the wall. We have put up 4 foot boards on the bottom of the wall and it will be painted white. The top will stay pink. It looks really good so far. I will post pictures when we finish painting. I just can’t wait to finish the painting and to get all of her furniture in the room. I know we still have a while before she gets here, but being able to look in there at her room will help keep me going.

Well that is all the news I have for now. I will try to write sooner next time.

Adoption Presentation

Journey to Emma Rae

Goo Goo Dolls:Better Days

3 Months Down!!!

Well, we are 3 months closer to bringing Emma Rae home!!!!! This is a very long journey and I must admit, the wait is really tough. But I would not trade a minute of it. We know that God has "Our Emma" picked out for us and we will get her in His time. I never imagined that I could love someone so much that I have never even met. I can't wait to go get her and bring her home to her "Forever Family".

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it"

LID!!!!!!!
March 22, 2007

DTC!!!
March 2, 2007

Who is narrow of vision, can not be big of heart

Chinese Proverb

"Everyone eats and drinks; yet only few appreciate the taste of food."

Encouragement

Don't loose your courage or be afraid. Don't panic or be frightened, because the Lord your God goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies and save you.
Dueteronomy 20:3-4 (NCV)